River

Two roads are easy

But I can't see them. 

There's no truth

Among the fire

Clarity scattered

Shuffled by a master

I don't remember the order. 

And I'm left

Playing 52 card mix up

A different place

A better time. 

Our names are etched in bark. 

Now only yours

Hastily scratched  into

Bedposts and hearts. 

On your trail leading right through mine. 

Tots Spam

Getting old.  When you're young there's nothing more exciting in life than the prospect of growing up.  At 5 you just wish you could reach the cabinets.  When you're 10 there are hours spent trying to prove that nobody is bigger or stronger than you.  At age 13 it's all about being able to dribble a basketball between your legs, and man, if you were just a bit taller it wouldn't be a problem.  At 15 you just want to be able to drive.

When 18 rolls around the parent's house seems like a prison holding you back.  21-23 seems to be the perfect time.  There are no real restrictions on life, the world is wide open.  24 rolls around and suddenly you're thinking, "wait, these years just keep going, like I'm just going to get older and older?"  Between the ages of 25 and 29 you've spent enough time digging your heals into the ground trying to resist 'ol father time, that age 30 hits and folks have to realize for the first time that they are basically just a decaying old person with no more potential in life.  You're surrounded by horrifying reminders that the world has moved on leaving you wholly out of touch with what's cool.

I'm pretty sure that when 50 hits everybody is metaphorically just trying to sprint in the opposite direction of death but knows it can't be done.  The age group of 45-55 is collectively keeping millions of Americans employed making various creams and vitamins that pretend to combat the whole aging process.  So I think the lesson here is that maybe by the age of 75 we'll all be able to just accept our lot and party hard for a few more years.  Maybe not, and maybe there's some secret to being "happy" (yuck) during the whole aging process.

The important thing here is that I'm cool with just staying 24 forever and not moving on physically or mentally.  I don't know if mother nature or God reads blogs but if you do, go bother Betty White or something, that old bag needs to go.  Stop wasting time on me.  I'm going to add a threat here just to make this plea a little more dire.  If I don't stay at 24 forever I promise to make myself age like a fine milkshake and give all humans everywhere a bad reputation.

One More Day

I remember
The scene that's printed on my heart
Myself in a corner
Tears undammed down your cheeks
Metaphors nearly literal
The windows closed in your eyes

Staring twenty yards through me
The pain that taught you well
Every star burned out
The moon left alone to glare at the sun
For casting its light unwanted
So easily mistaken
Tagged a pariah

Beautiful girl
Your love to me
Was too quickly sold
The hope in your eyes
I easily stole

Regretting the nights
I gave myself to you
While all that time
You were leaving
A tattoo of your name across my soul.





Here it is!  The first real thing I've written in a few years.  I'm actually really proud of this one and what it has to say.

The reason I spent so much time away was that I felt like at the time I didn't have anything worth talking about, but after a while things start to find a way into my head and I can put them down on paper/pixels.  My confidence in my writing was also fairly low so I wanted to make sure that I moved past some of the pitfalls of my past work.  I hope this one can be understood on some level and felt by everyone.  I love feedback!

The Weaver

I've no choice but to trust my destination
Whether heaven, hell, or a blissful reunion
Would have never
Braved experience
Standing quiet on the sideline
Throwing stones at any fixture looking down
The river

Angel angel please
Hear my whisper
I climbed a shadow's stolen lullaby
So falling seemed a comfort
And posed as a blessing

They said change would come
With every horizon
Though I woke on the high road
Where the light forgot to shine
And everybody dreamed
Of a new reunion.

Remember When

All those years ago we ran alone
Because the other kids just ran away.
We were the freaks hanging upside down
The ones who saw the world through twisted minds

It was so clear to those of age that we were special
We were the ones that had potential
But we grew up doubting, never believing
Because we could only hear one voice

Telling us we were too different
We were strange and that wasn't okay.
We weren't wearing the right clothes
And we'd never be enough.

That voice kept repeating
Inside our heads, till it's all we heard
And all we believed

We gave away our hope,
To the bottom feeders and low-life's that pretended to love us.
To anyone that listened.

We were desperate and alone
The masters of melancholy

All because we believed,
Believed in those that tore us down
And ignored the ones that showed us praise,
As few as they were,
Because deep down inside we knew

That only in fairy tales does the king find his queen,
And the pauper becomes the prince.
Only in movies does the nice guy win the girl
And only in stories does the loner find a friend.

We were no story, just regular kids
Thrown aside for someone better
And we grew up believing, in all the wrong things

To this day,
Nobody criticizes as thoroughly as ourselves
Nobody hates us as well as we've learned how
And when somebody comes along to tell us
That we are good enough,
We pull out our mirror and show them how wrong they are.

Remember when, we saw the world with beauty in our eyes?
We knew that everything would be okay,
Because there was no other option.
Remember when, there was hope in our smiles?

10 Things I want to do

Or maybe I should call it: 8 Things I want to do because they might help me expand my horizons and open up a bit more on my own terms.  Basically this is just a collection of things that terrify me and might help me be a better person.

1. Go to a movie alone.  (I can't even begin to describe the issues I have with even the idea of this)

2.  Go to the store by myself and at least say hi to a few people with a smile.  (Usually I'm just super closed off with a mean look on my face because I hate everyone)

3.  Learn a song on the piano or guitar that I can play for other people.  (no explanations needed here)

4.  Go an entire day without my phone or my computer or T.V.  (this is because I constantly feel the need for some sort of distraction and hours of silence might be nice)

5.  Call one of my Salt Lake friends and go visit them.  (This is just out of my comfort zone but going somewhere that makes me uncomfortable with people I'm not used to seeing anymore will help me be more adventurous) 

6.  Listen more instead of talking (This doesn't scare me but I am working on it)

7.  Tell a new person every week how much they mean to me.  (I don't like to express that type of thing, at least not without a lot of sarcasm and joking)

8.  Go on a few walks by myself.  (I love walking with other people but I usually get so uncomfortable and stiff that I can't enjoy myself when I'm alone.  Partly because I only like walks at night and that makes me feel like everybody I pass is worried that I'm a mugger, and partly because I'm self conscious)

Well there you go, 8 things that scare the living hell out of me.  I hated making this list and I seriously wonder how I will ever do some of them.  But oh well, it's something to work toward.  If you have anything like this that gives you anxiety, then leave a comment fools!

Blogger, don't even bother me about titles right now.

     Sometimes I feel like a 3rd party observer in life.  I see all these people and how they act and I just feel like I'm not connected to what they think and do.  but at the same time I can relate to these people.  How does this make sense?  How can I be feeling the way they do, but feel so lost in connecting to them.  Am I really all that different?  Like I'm some sort of mutant?  But I can't be that weird if I understand them on a fundamental level.

     There are times that I observe a situation and think nothing of it and then a few days later I will be thinking about it and gain some insight into why or how they behaved or said or what they did.  This goes to show that when people make fun of me or question me for analyzing everything in my life I have to just nod and smile at them.
   
     They don't realize that the only way for me to actually make those connections and relate to people is for me to think about everything that happens and try to make some sort of sense of it all.  I had one friend that told me I should get some sort of medication for my "problem" but I can't imagine how lost I would be in life if I didn't go through every aspect of my life that I feel is confusing or important.

     Sometimes I wonder why a conversation went the way it did, or how I could have changed an exchange with a boss so that I will sound better next time, sometimes I just simply think in hypotheticals so that I am prepared for potential conversations and can respond with heuristics rather than deep thought.  It works for me and I will keep doing this, although it does cause a huge amount of anxiety and takes up much of my time.
     Sometimes in life the things that people would call our flaws are actually the things that make us great.
To be honest with you right now I'm hesitant to even post this, I'm worried that someone will come along and read this and think that somehow I'm being melodramatic or posturing somehow.  They will think that I'm just over thinking this and what I do is "no big deal" and "everyone does this" to some extent.  While I agree that many people will think about conversations, I take it to an extreme and go over and over every aspect of every important encounter for hours in my head until I can make sense of it, and then something new will happen and I'll move on to that.  So that's what I hope nobody thinks.

      What I do hope you do take away, and possibly the reason why I don't think this post is necessary, is some insight into why I am the way I am.  Why I make such a big deal out of some things that most people would ignore or overlook.  Why I have the need to "follow up" on something you said until I'm satisfied with the reason you said it.

     My family makes fun of me because if they tell me they love me I have to show them why they don't and tell them to produce an argument that proves that they do.  To most people I could sound like a crazy person. But don't listen to most people, I mean, think about how dumb the average person is...and then realize that half of them are dumber than that.  So you clearly need to ignore the masses, ha, but the reason I do those things is that in my mind when somebody makes that bold of a claim I know that later on I will sit there and think of every single aspect of what they said and what they could mean and why they said it.  So in order to clear things up and save myself some headache I just get right to the point and make you prove it or I make you give me every angle on why you said that and what you mean.

     It's not for me, it's for the future me who doesn't want to waste time thinking about what you said.  I dunno, maybe I am crazy.  Maybe everybody else is crazy and I'm super normal.  Ok that doesn't make sense, but ya, I'm not trying to say anything here, I guess I just want to provide some tiny insight into my mind for science.  Or something, I dunno.  Honestly, I'm sure I'll think about this and how I could have written it differently and maybe I'll make some changes or take it down

     And P.S. the reason that the writing on here is in such a sorry state is that I wasn't planning on even posting this, it just sort of turned that way.  This was supposed to serve as a way to write down what I'm thinking so that I can write a poem that somewhat relates to this whole thing, which I still may do.  So please forgive my awful sentence structure and juvenile word choice, it's late and I don't wanna fix it.  suck it world.  Oh!  if you have any follow up questions I'm open to probing discussion about this post, just let me know and I'll pretty much tell you whatever you're wondering.  I'm sure nobody really cares but just in case!

Warflower

Wheels, spinning around me
Long is the path where I left my soul.
Heading for Peridon, just a little more.

Where does the road lead
Now that it's overgrown
Stop us from bleeding we'll keep rambling on
Break all the simple ones, they're a little voice

Each sound of screaming is trapped in my mind,
Lost in comfort there's nowhere to go,
Sing for my fallen days
They're my only sound.

Icons stand like remembering
Falling and crumbling just a little more.
Hunger for Peridon, it keeps on calling.

Drop all the pieces inside of my mind
Let go of heroes falling behind
Find 44 waiting, calling me home.

Heading for Peridon, and the wind is cold.

Forever fields

Lost in these forever fields
I lay among the dead
Over and over
Celebrating my return

God can only watch you
Crying over me
The starlight shined its best
But here I lay
In these forever fields

Please forgive me as I lie
But I forgot the sun
And when you showed me
The beauty of what I had
I only dreamed of sleep
In these forever fields

The gift of life you begged me to take
Wasn't empty after all
It let me finally go with a smile on my face
Not that you weren't enough
I just wanted to go back home
In these forever fields

Maintain

Because I'm not falling backward to the slide
Or sinking in the puddles deep with softened mud
There's no will to force me back to the black
That I drew with my heart and my hands on the wall
Are the words ever clear save me now, spare my tears
Sing me to sleep, dull my mind and leave me in a stupor.

Because I'm standing up to the world that I made for myself
No more stalling no more snowing only walking ever higher
I'm not running but I'm climbing up the ladder through the fire
Tempered fever shaking fingers hold together while I'm shining
Through the walls that I built now I'm breaking them all down

Cliffs

Every day seems to falter
My will, my innocence
Caught inside wondering
Can I run or am I broken
That fleeting hero
Forgotten, lost, or dead.

Here's to you, you sorry freak
Here's to your submission
To life, to life, stop tryin
Stop trying to change your world

I'm not your hero keep moving
Keep walking off the edge

The Man Comes Around

While we're walking through the reeds along the river,
Soaking up the sun and the breeze,
Pittering around the patter of the rain..
I'm watching you dance with the scent of lilies
Playing with your hair.
And you look back at me with softness in your eyes,
You ask me what I see

So I crafted you that story, to spare you
From my twisted, darkened mind.
See, While the words I said were true,
All I really saw was a lone rider
Coming toward us
Riding a pale horse.

He held a blackened banner above his rotting face
But dull were his words, muttered ever clear
And behind him all the world was filled with twisted, broken hearts.
He led the dregs of hell slowly alongside him
And they drew ever near.

While they passed there was a gap
Where they were forced to move around you.
For your light held them at bay.
But they never left, they just stayed to wait for you
To wait until you're broken and beaten to the ground.
Till you've lost that look of hope in your eyes,
The one I used to have.

They stand only waiting
Behind the angels that guard you.
But you can never know that beyond your light is pain and anger
That you are a haven while some of us walk the path alone
You don't need to know of suffering.
You don't need to see the dark.
For once you do, all that light flickers, and leaves you wanting more.

So walk among the willows.
Laugh at the ripples in the pond.
Be a shining light
I'll just sit, and wish that I was too.

The Wanderer

Then he looked at her stare
To see the light was all gone.
Though she turned her face toward him.
She called him a killer
He brought her to the edge.
They looked out on the cliff
And ran side by side
Smiling, but crying on the inside.

They sit by the fire
With one arm inside,
Their hearts somewhere in the middle.
She pulls out her gun
Points it up at his heart
And shoots himself in the head
Before calmly walking away.

He steps back from the lens
And I comfort him still
The haunting lives inside us.
They carry on,
He carries on
Forever looking from the outside

Why do we spend our teenage years trying everything we can to lose our innocence, when the rest of our lives will be spent wishing we had it back?

The Shorter Path

God called down

To ask me where I was,

I told him I was leaving

And already gone.

I can't stay any longer

This place is just too white

My body is stained

With the scars of my life

The things that I've done
They haunt me at night

I'm off in search of respite

Away from the light

See, there's one last place in my heart

For the beauty in life

It's driving me home

To wrap me up tight

Sing Fear Again

Can they say that we're lost

If we never went away

From our home, to your stone

Through the forgotten pages of our mind.

When will we see when then we're free

That our guilt still sings so bittersweet

From all the tortures of our lives

That we lay in such plain sight

Goodbye

Feel the rain on your skin

And feel it for me again

This time I won't be walking with you

Goodbye beautiful day

Night time you won't see

My face here any more

And daylight is lonely

Goodbye beautiful day

Sorry I'm not ok

The window, I wrote you

This song to keep you awake

So some times you'll see

Just what you meant to me

Goodbye beautiful day

I must be on my way

I'm sorry, I'm gone

I have to go this way

A ghost's hand I held

You held just as tight

Remember who I was

As he makes you smile

Goodbye beautiful day

When I'm gone, close your eyes

You'll see me in the stars

Goodbye innocent girl

And goodbye beautiful world.

Here's to the misfits

Don't practice what they preach

It won't help you sleep tonight

But you just might last a while

You just might catch a smile

That follows just like you

And learned all the same moves

It just might be heaven

But we all know the truth

So here's to the misfits

And all the maligned

That grow away

And leave you behind

Here's to the crazies

That wrote their own rules

Alone in their cells

Never alone in their minds

Here's to us all

That broke our own hearts

So we could rise up

And tear the whole world apart

Lost in Translation

That run through the park.

Where trees hung in shame for us

Swept the grass of all it's filth

Shaky windows and sullen statues

I remember when

But do you remember now

The lines we lost so perfectly

And all the night is meant for us

To waste away eternity.

Drop your guard as you say you love me

Through bitter teeth you cry so lovely

Though the winter came, it was always there

But was never noticed.

The trees held back their tears

So the flowers could grow a few days.

Do these roses mock me

They haunt my dreams so cruelly

I walk the snow in my own footprints

I made so long ago.

And avoid the rotting castle

That I love to crumble still.