Tots Spam

Getting old.  When you're young there's nothing more exciting in life than the prospect of growing up.  At 5 you just wish you could reach the cabinets.  When you're 10 there are hours spent trying to prove that nobody is bigger or stronger than you.  At age 13 it's all about being able to dribble a basketball between your legs, and man, if you were just a bit taller it wouldn't be a problem.  At 15 you just want to be able to drive.

When 18 rolls around the parent's house seems like a prison holding you back.  21-23 seems to be the perfect time.  There are no real restrictions on life, the world is wide open.  24 rolls around and suddenly you're thinking, "wait, these years just keep going, like I'm just going to get older and older?"  Between the ages of 25 and 29 you've spent enough time digging your heals into the ground trying to resist 'ol father time, that age 30 hits and folks have to realize for the first time that they are basically just a decaying old person with no more potential in life.  You're surrounded by horrifying reminders that the world has moved on leaving you wholly out of touch with what's cool.

I'm pretty sure that when 50 hits everybody is metaphorically just trying to sprint in the opposite direction of death but knows it can't be done.  The age group of 45-55 is collectively keeping millions of Americans employed making various creams and vitamins that pretend to combat the whole aging process.  So I think the lesson here is that maybe by the age of 75 we'll all be able to just accept our lot and party hard for a few more years.  Maybe not, and maybe there's some secret to being "happy" (yuck) during the whole aging process.

The important thing here is that I'm cool with just staying 24 forever and not moving on physically or mentally.  I don't know if mother nature or God reads blogs but if you do, go bother Betty White or something, that old bag needs to go.  Stop wasting time on me.  I'm going to add a threat here just to make this plea a little more dire.  If I don't stay at 24 forever I promise to make myself age like a fine milkshake and give all humans everywhere a bad reputation.

One More Day

I remember
The scene that's printed on my heart
Myself in a corner
Tears undammed down your cheeks
Metaphors nearly literal
The windows closed in your eyes

Staring twenty yards through me
The pain that taught you well
Every star burned out
The moon left alone to glare at the sun
For casting its light unwanted
So easily mistaken
Tagged a pariah

Beautiful girl
Your love to me
Was too quickly sold
The hope in your eyes
I easily stole

Regretting the nights
I gave myself to you
While all that time
You were leaving
A tattoo of your name across my soul.





Here it is!  The first real thing I've written in a few years.  I'm actually really proud of this one and what it has to say.

The reason I spent so much time away was that I felt like at the time I didn't have anything worth talking about, but after a while things start to find a way into my head and I can put them down on paper/pixels.  My confidence in my writing was also fairly low so I wanted to make sure that I moved past some of the pitfalls of my past work.  I hope this one can be understood on some level and felt by everyone.  I love feedback!

The Weaver

I've no choice but to trust my destination
Whether heaven, hell, or a blissful reunion
Would have never
Braved experience
Standing quiet on the sideline
Throwing stones at any fixture looking down
The river

Angel angel please
Hear my whisper
I climbed a shadow's stolen lullaby
So falling seemed a comfort
And posed as a blessing

They said change would come
With every horizon
Though I woke on the high road
Where the light forgot to shine
And everybody dreamed
Of a new reunion.

Remember When

All those years ago we ran alone
Because the other kids just ran away.
We were the freaks hanging upside down
The ones who saw the world through twisted minds

It was so clear to those of age that we were special
We were the ones that had potential
But we grew up doubting, never believing
Because we could only hear one voice

Telling us we were too different
We were strange and that wasn't okay.
We weren't wearing the right clothes
And we'd never be enough.

That voice kept repeating
Inside our heads, till it's all we heard
And all we believed

We gave away our hope,
To the bottom feeders and low-life's that pretended to love us.
To anyone that listened.

We were desperate and alone
The masters of melancholy

All because we believed,
Believed in those that tore us down
And ignored the ones that showed us praise,
As few as they were,
Because deep down inside we knew

That only in fairy tales does the king find his queen,
And the pauper becomes the prince.
Only in movies does the nice guy win the girl
And only in stories does the loner find a friend.

We were no story, just regular kids
Thrown aside for someone better
And we grew up believing, in all the wrong things

To this day,
Nobody criticizes as thoroughly as ourselves
Nobody hates us as well as we've learned how
And when somebody comes along to tell us
That we are good enough,
We pull out our mirror and show them how wrong they are.

Remember when, we saw the world with beauty in our eyes?
We knew that everything would be okay,
Because there was no other option.
Remember when, there was hope in our smiles?

10 Things I want to do

Or maybe I should call it: 8 Things I want to do because they might help me expand my horizons and open up a bit more on my own terms.  Basically this is just a collection of things that terrify me and might help me be a better person.

1. Go to a movie alone.  (I can't even begin to describe the issues I have with even the idea of this)

2.  Go to the store by myself and at least say hi to a few people with a smile.  (Usually I'm just super closed off with a mean look on my face because I hate everyone)

3.  Learn a song on the piano or guitar that I can play for other people.  (no explanations needed here)

4.  Go an entire day without my phone or my computer or T.V.  (this is because I constantly feel the need for some sort of distraction and hours of silence might be nice)

5.  Call one of my Salt Lake friends and go visit them.  (This is just out of my comfort zone but going somewhere that makes me uncomfortable with people I'm not used to seeing anymore will help me be more adventurous) 

6.  Listen more instead of talking (This doesn't scare me but I am working on it)

7.  Tell a new person every week how much they mean to me.  (I don't like to express that type of thing, at least not without a lot of sarcasm and joking)

8.  Go on a few walks by myself.  (I love walking with other people but I usually get so uncomfortable and stiff that I can't enjoy myself when I'm alone.  Partly because I only like walks at night and that makes me feel like everybody I pass is worried that I'm a mugger, and partly because I'm self conscious)

Well there you go, 8 things that scare the living hell out of me.  I hated making this list and I seriously wonder how I will ever do some of them.  But oh well, it's something to work toward.  If you have anything like this that gives you anxiety, then leave a comment fools!

Blogger, don't even bother me about titles right now.

     Sometimes I feel like a 3rd party observer in life.  I see all these people and how they act and I just feel like I'm not connected to what they think and do.  but at the same time I can relate to these people.  How does this make sense?  How can I be feeling the way they do, but feel so lost in connecting to them.  Am I really all that different?  Like I'm some sort of mutant?  But I can't be that weird if I understand them on a fundamental level.

     There are times that I observe a situation and think nothing of it and then a few days later I will be thinking about it and gain some insight into why or how they behaved or said or what they did.  This goes to show that when people make fun of me or question me for analyzing everything in my life I have to just nod and smile at them.
   
     They don't realize that the only way for me to actually make those connections and relate to people is for me to think about everything that happens and try to make some sort of sense of it all.  I had one friend that told me I should get some sort of medication for my "problem" but I can't imagine how lost I would be in life if I didn't go through every aspect of my life that I feel is confusing or important.

     Sometimes I wonder why a conversation went the way it did, or how I could have changed an exchange with a boss so that I will sound better next time, sometimes I just simply think in hypotheticals so that I am prepared for potential conversations and can respond with heuristics rather than deep thought.  It works for me and I will keep doing this, although it does cause a huge amount of anxiety and takes up much of my time.
     Sometimes in life the things that people would call our flaws are actually the things that make us great.
To be honest with you right now I'm hesitant to even post this, I'm worried that someone will come along and read this and think that somehow I'm being melodramatic or posturing somehow.  They will think that I'm just over thinking this and what I do is "no big deal" and "everyone does this" to some extent.  While I agree that many people will think about conversations, I take it to an extreme and go over and over every aspect of every important encounter for hours in my head until I can make sense of it, and then something new will happen and I'll move on to that.  So that's what I hope nobody thinks.

      What I do hope you do take away, and possibly the reason why I don't think this post is necessary, is some insight into why I am the way I am.  Why I make such a big deal out of some things that most people would ignore or overlook.  Why I have the need to "follow up" on something you said until I'm satisfied with the reason you said it.

     My family makes fun of me because if they tell me they love me I have to show them why they don't and tell them to produce an argument that proves that they do.  To most people I could sound like a crazy person. But don't listen to most people, I mean, think about how dumb the average person is...and then realize that half of them are dumber than that.  So you clearly need to ignore the masses, ha, but the reason I do those things is that in my mind when somebody makes that bold of a claim I know that later on I will sit there and think of every single aspect of what they said and what they could mean and why they said it.  So in order to clear things up and save myself some headache I just get right to the point and make you prove it or I make you give me every angle on why you said that and what you mean.

     It's not for me, it's for the future me who doesn't want to waste time thinking about what you said.  I dunno, maybe I am crazy.  Maybe everybody else is crazy and I'm super normal.  Ok that doesn't make sense, but ya, I'm not trying to say anything here, I guess I just want to provide some tiny insight into my mind for science.  Or something, I dunno.  Honestly, I'm sure I'll think about this and how I could have written it differently and maybe I'll make some changes or take it down

     And P.S. the reason that the writing on here is in such a sorry state is that I wasn't planning on even posting this, it just sort of turned that way.  This was supposed to serve as a way to write down what I'm thinking so that I can write a poem that somewhat relates to this whole thing, which I still may do.  So please forgive my awful sentence structure and juvenile word choice, it's late and I don't wanna fix it.  suck it world.  Oh!  if you have any follow up questions I'm open to probing discussion about this post, just let me know and I'll pretty much tell you whatever you're wondering.  I'm sure nobody really cares but just in case!