Sometimes I feel like a 3rd party observer in life. I see all these people and how they act and I just feel like I'm not connected to what they think and do. but at the same time I can relate to these people. How does this make sense? How can I be feeling the way they do, but feel so lost in connecting to them. Am I really all that different? Like I'm some sort of mutant? But I can't be that weird if I understand them on a fundamental level.
There are times that I observe a situation and think nothing of it and then a few days later I will be thinking about it and gain some insight into why or how they behaved or said or what they did. This goes to show that when people make fun of me or question me for analyzing everything in my life I have to just nod and smile at them.
They don't realize that the only way for me to actually make those connections and relate to people is for me to think about everything that happens and try to make some sort of sense of it all. I had one friend that told me I should get some sort of medication for my "problem" but I can't imagine how lost I would be in life if I didn't go through every aspect of my life that I feel is confusing or important.
Sometimes I wonder why a conversation went the way it did, or how I could have changed an exchange with a boss so that I will sound better next time, sometimes I just simply think in hypotheticals so that I am prepared for potential conversations and can respond with heuristics rather than deep thought. It works for me and I will keep doing this, although it does cause a huge amount of anxiety and takes up much of my time.
Sometimes in life the things that people would call our flaws are actually the things that make us great.
To be honest with you right now I'm hesitant to even post this, I'm worried that someone will come along and read this and think that somehow I'm being melodramatic or posturing somehow. They will think that I'm just over thinking this and what I do is "no big deal" and "everyone does this" to some extent. While I agree that many people will think about conversations, I take it to an extreme and go over and over every aspect of every important encounter for hours in my head until I can make sense of it, and then something new will happen and I'll move on to that. So that's what I hope nobody thinks.
What I do hope you do take away, and possibly the reason why I don't think this post is necessary, is some insight into why I am the way I am. Why I make such a big deal out of some things that most people would ignore or overlook. Why I have the need to "follow up" on something you said until I'm satisfied with the reason you said it.
My family makes fun of me because if they tell me they love me I have to show them why they don't and tell them to produce an argument that proves that they do. To most people I could sound like a crazy person. But don't listen to most people, I mean, think about how dumb the average person is...and then realize that half of them are dumber than that. So you clearly need to ignore the masses, ha, but the reason I do those things is that in my mind when somebody makes that bold of a claim I know that later on I will sit there and think of every single aspect of what they said and what they could mean and why they said it. So in order to clear things up and save myself some headache I just get right to the point and make you prove it or I make you give me every angle on why you said that and what you mean.
It's not for me, it's for the future me who doesn't want to waste time thinking about what you said. I dunno, maybe I am crazy. Maybe everybody else is crazy and I'm super normal. Ok that doesn't make sense, but ya, I'm not trying to say anything here, I guess I just want to provide some tiny insight into my mind for science. Or something, I dunno. Honestly, I'm sure I'll think about this and how I could have written it differently and maybe I'll make some changes or take it down
And P.S. the reason that the writing on here is in such a sorry state is that I wasn't planning on even posting this, it just sort of turned that way. This was supposed to serve as a way to write down what I'm thinking so that I can write a poem that somewhat relates to this whole thing, which I still may do. So please forgive my awful sentence structure and juvenile word choice, it's late and I don't wanna fix it. suck it world. Oh! if you have any follow up questions I'm open to probing discussion about this post, just let me know and I'll pretty much tell you whatever you're wondering. I'm sure nobody really cares but just in case!
