Lost in these forever fields
I lay among the dead
Over and over
Celebrating my return
God can only watch you
Crying over me
The starlight shined its best
But here I lay
In these forever fields
Please forgive me as I lie
But I forgot the sun
And when you showed me
The beauty of what I had
I only dreamed of sleep
In these forever fields
The gift of life you begged me to take
Wasn't empty after all
It let me finally go with a smile on my face
Not that you weren't enough
I just wanted to go back home
In these forever fields
First of all, this is bloody good. I dont think Im exaggerating to say that it could be mistaken to be by one of them famous dead poets.
ReplyDeleteIts a very good telling of someone who rejects truth or goodness when shown to them in favor of another, or just simply no path. Speaking as someone who feels numb to a LOT of things in life, I can definitely relate to "when you showed me the beauty of what I had I only dreamed of sleep" While I think this is more relating to death, I also thinks it can be just an apathy with life. A very simple metaphor being choosing to stay home and watch tv when a friend invites to go do something fun. They have this spark or 'the gift of life' and that is perhaps why you like them, but they try to share it with you and for whatever reason, you dont see the beauty. Now, the lack of seeing it may be why you only dream of sleep or you dream of sleep and thats why you don't take it.
The last paragraph definitely seems more on the suicidal side. Or maybe suicidal, but relating to death. Dying with a smile on the face. Smiling perhaps because the beautiful gift of life wont any logner be placed in front of you, tormenting you in a way because you dont or cant take it. "Not that [they] werent enough" for you to take it.
I feel like I always throw a jumble of word in these things and they dont form a cohesive thought...
I dont know if thats exactly what your purpose with this piece was, but I do get the feel that the narrator is at peace in the fields. And perhaps that is where he belongs. That is the beauty that he has. The only beauty he can enjoy. To be in the fields, because he wasnt able to take the gift he was begged to take.
Well thank you sir! I'm really trying to move forward with each new post to make sure I'm improving so hopefully I can maintain that.
ReplyDeleteYa that line about dreaming of sleep was absolutely intended to mean death or sleeping through life, aka apathy or what not. I think we can all relate to wanting to just sleep through life but at the same time I think most people have thought about being able to just skip to the end, or go to heaven now and all the things that go with that so I guess the character just alludes to both but ultimately plans a way to end his life on his own terms. It really shows the sickness that goes on inside of a suicidal person's mind. I mean truly suicidal and someone that puts a lot of thought into their end.
Ya that part about going out with a smile should absolutely be interpreted that way, but at the same time I wanted people to think about it the way the character thinks. The fact that people actually cared about him gave him peace so he could die without feeling alone. Almost like he could end things in a positive way without going in anger or something. What you're saying definitely makes sense, don't worry I can follow any train of thought you want to throw together! haha
This piece was a great exercise in making sure that each and every line was full of imagery and metaphor. Such as the line "over and over celebrating my return", refers to the fact that death is eternal and everything he does will be done over and over while he's rolling over in his grave. It's definitely not a positive look at the after life but I wanted to ultimately show how the character keeps going back to his suicidal thoughts no matter how many positive things happen in his life because he isn't sad, he's sick.
And when you say that he wasn't able to take the gift he was begged to take...that is very interesting that you say that because it really relates to suicide being a sickness that made him unable to accept life. Not that he didn't want to, or that he rejected it, he just couldn't even comprehend life going on because he's sick. Very cool that you put it that way. Anyway, I was pretty happy with this and I'm glad that you were able to get some of the deeper meaning in this. Too many people miss that or can't see it because they don't want to look further. It's nice to be able to have another thoughtful mind review my work! That's why I always go to you haha I just hope you don't get sick of reading this stuff. I'll try to make my next one good! :D