Can they say that we're lost
If we never went away
From our home, to your stone
Through the forgotten pages of our mind.
When will we see when then we're free
That our guilt still sings so bittersweet
From all the tortures of our lives
That we lay in such plain sight
I really like the visual imagery of this. "away from our home, to your stone" From a place of warmth and love to a hard, often cold, useless object. The people on the stone, being the ones that are truly lost, calling the people lost that didn't ever follow them.
ReplyDeleteDoes the first line of the 2nd paragraph have to one too many 'when's? I've tried re-reading it a few times, and it seems to flow better in my mind without one of them. "Will we see when then we're free". But a little part of my brain is saying that it works if you are saying "(After) we're free, when will we see..." or "How long will it take us to see? Only when we're free?" If you could expand on this in a reply it would help my brain. But don't take it as a criticism because sometimes my art-centered brain doesn't handle the learnins to well. :)
Again, if I'm reading this right (and I like to think that I am), from all the so-called 'tortures' of out lives, our guilt is bittersweet, our hearts and/or minds having imagined the tortures to be more than they actually were, which tortures may lead us to act in ways me otherwise may not have, justifying our lives due to our 'tortures', when the truth of it all was in plain sight. And when we see that, our guilt will be more bitter than sweet as it was when we lived.
The 2nd to last paragraph (or is it stanza, i dunno) is REALLY well written, in my opinion. I think it really is in our human nature to want to tear down anyone that discovers or confronts us about anything deep or dark about us. We don't want them to see that illness in us or have them appear 'healthier' than us. We want them the do as sick as us so our sickness is then obsolete.
And the last line is just plain creepy. ;)
Ya know, the thing I had to think about the most is your interpretation in your first paragraph. I really like it and I think it nails the idea and works with the flow of the whole piece. You pretty much do a better job of interpreting it than I did when I was writing it lol so I love it. I had to re-read it quite a few times just to make sure, but it's absolutely perfect, and maybe it seems like that was obvious to you but I definitely was off a bit. and the perfect thing is that your interpretation works if you keep going on to the next line, "from our home to your stone through the forgotten pages of our mind. Because then it gives an image of, like you said, going from a place of warmth and love to a hard, often cold, and useless object (which in itself can be interpreted as whatever place or time is significant to the reader) through the forgotten pages of our minds. and that shows that it isn't something that is happening currently, it's something from the past that has tried to be forgotten. Or alternately, like you said, the stone is the place that has been left and the people that stayed there are lost. It's a very interesting duality and I really think it works best that way. I hope that makes sense.
ReplyDeleteBut as far as the second paragraph goes, I meant to have the "when"'s in there, in my mind I read it in a weird way where the flows quickly goes up and down So I'll illustrate, "V" is down and "^" is up so: "when (V) will (^) we (V) see (^) when (V)then (^) we're (V) free (^). So in real world terms, after we're free when will we see that (our guilt still stings so bittersweet) what we've done (or whatever we've done that causes us guilt) wasn't worth our freedom. Ok that might seem a little muddled so I'll do it again, after we're free from our bonds when will we realize that the things we had to do to get free are going to haunt us forever, and that our guilt will always be there. It won't be there to constantly be shouting pain, but sing it, so our guilt will be subdued but clear. And maybe the things we did were necessary, so it is sweet, but they were awful and therefore bitter. When I talk about bonds it could be physical, mental, spiritual, whatever. And the idea of guilt in the paragraph comes from the fact that people do some awful things to get free from perceived bondage (aka kill a guard to get out of a jail, or to alienate family through drug use in order to get away from the mental pain or bondage you are in) those things are the ones that bring guilt. But no I don't take that as criticism! no way! you were actually on the right track, you shouldn't have started to doubt yourself!
The next paragraph I really love! Because I hadn't even come close to thinking of it in that way and I'm glad you did because it makes it so much better! You actually kinda combined the previous paragraph and this one which I can't even start to explain how cool that is, and again, perfect! I mean, bam. Yes, we justify ourselves doing things because of our IMAGINED tortures!
I was getting tunnel vision and only thinking one dimensionally that our tortures were a big deal, but you went further than that and showed that the tortures of our lives are nothing! They are simply reasons we give for acting horribly. and again, going back to the previous stanza (or paragraph, I don't know either haha) that just makes our guilt that much more bitter. and I mean, that is just that much harder to live with when we look back on life and think of all the sh***y things we've done and then look at our pathetic reasons for them, we at some point have to realize that we are pretty rotten people sometimes for bad reasons! man that made the whole thing so much better haha sorry to geek out that's just so cool.
ReplyDeleteAnd the next paragraph is exact as well, and I love it, because you're right. I really can't expand on what you said because that is the exact message I was saying. We can't stand to be the sicker person.
Ok, I know the last three lines are creepy but think about it!! If we keep going from what has been said in the poem then what is product of all this? After we've left our happiness behind and done awful things to people and turned into these sick individuals then what is the product?? What will happen to the kids of these sick individuals? They are going to live in fear of their fathers because their fathers aren't loving or nice or whatever, and then they've perpetuated the cycle. So I admit that it's a little dramatic but it really shows the real effect of the decisions we make, that it gets passed on. And to be quite honest, the last part is some commentary on my own life because I grew up with that fear as a child so I know the product of this all. So I guess in the end this poem hits home pretty well but I think it's stuff that needs to be said.
Sir, I am always amazed at your perspective and Value it very very very very very (too many very's? well that just how much I mean it!) much! Sorry it took so long, as you can see this wasn't something I wanted to take two minutes and reply to haha.
Well thanx for the heaps of praise on my comments. Im glad it helped open your mind more on your own writings, that's pretty cool.
ReplyDeleteI didnt think of the 2nd paragraph in that way, I like it. Sometimes the glory of freedom is only immediate and when that glory wears off the means to gain that freedom, if nefarious, it would outweigh the glory and that glory would be lost to that person forever.
That last paragraph is still really creepy, but makes sense now the way you put it. I've had that same fear. of the dark illness of the father slowly poisoning me so that I will fall as far as he. But I like to think that I've ran as far as I needed to.