I remember
The scene that's printed on my heart
Myself in a corner
Tears undammed down your cheeks
Metaphors nearly literal
The windows closed in your eyes
Staring twenty yards through me
The pain that taught you well
Every star burned out
The moon left alone to glare at the sun
For casting its light unwanted
So easily mistaken
Tagged a pariah
Beautiful girl
Your love to me
Was too quickly sold
The hope in your eyes
I easily stole
Regretting the nights
I gave myself to you
While all that time
You were leaving
A tattoo of your name across my soul.
Here it is! The first real thing I've written in a few years. I'm actually really proud of this one and what it has to say.
The reason I spent so much time away was that I felt like at the time I didn't have anything worth talking about, but after a while things start to find a way into my head and I can put them down on paper/pixels. My confidence in my writing was also fairly low so I wanted to make sure that I moved past some of the pitfalls of my past work. I hope this one can be understood on some level and felt by everyone. I love feedback!
If I'm reading this right, and I like to think that I am, it seems a bit of a reversal of fortunes. "He" remembers the moment of realization. At first he was just using her, taking her love & stealing her hope. But then as he was enjoying it for all he wanted, she ran out of her light, her every star burned out. But the realization was that he wanted her for more than what he had been using her for and when he realized this, she was done & staring 20 yards through him. Her tears had been undammed and when the water ran out, there was nothing left.
ReplyDeleteI dunno, maybe I'm looking at it backwards...
Ya that is definitely one of the ways I meant this. I also like to think on your line where you said "he wanted her for more than what he had been using her for etc" that maybe he realized whatever type of relationship this is wasn't as superficial on his end as he had assumed, but that the really difficult thing to come to terms with was that he no longer had an option because he burned that bridge so to speak.
ReplyDeleteI also like to think that as far as "at first he was using her, taking her love& stealing her hope etc..." goes it was much more subtle and less harmful than abusive and intense. I also definitely see how it could go both ways, although I have a harder time relating to that. I also assume you read it the same way I do, but it's interesting to think both extremes.
Another interesting way of looking at this, and I hesitate to post this part because it gives away a little of my secrets, but I'm would bet that you're the only one that will read this. Try re-reading it but not from a relationship point of view in that sense, try making the "girl" the narrator who is actually "me", or the character I'm writing as. and the "boy" (there are a few ways to think of it so I'll list some options) could be his own thoughts and it's a conversation about himself losing some hope and light. or maybe it's every person that he's had a bad relationship with. Or it could be looked at metaphorically and the narrator is actually his "hope or whatever" that he has lost. In that case the last two stanzas have to be looked at without the specifics. so it could go "beautiful soul, your love was too quickly sold. the love in your eyes was too easily forgotten" or something like that.
I like to mask my writing to make it seem like the characters are different than they actually are. I hope this makes sense because I'm not proofreading it.
Oops disregard that last paragraph and read this one. it doesn't make any sense.
ReplyDeleteAnother interesting way of looking at this, and I hesitate to post this part because it gives away a little of my secrets, but I'm would bet that you're the only one that will read this. Try re-reading it but not from a relationship point of view in that sense, try making the "girl" not a girl but just the narrator or the voice of the poem. and the "boy" is the subject (there are a few ways to think of it so I'll list some options) they could be his own thoughts and it's a conversation about himself losing some hope and light. or maybe it's every person that he's had a bad relationship with. Or it could be looked at metaphorically and the narrator is actually his "hope or whatever" that he has lost. In that case the last two stanzas have to be looked at without the specifics. so it could go "beautiful soul, your love was too quickly sold. the hope in your eyes was too easily forgotten" or something like that.
I actually like it most now when reading it from the 'conversation about himself' angle. And I think I found yet another way to look at it that maybe you were close to eluding to, but kinda of the reverse. Instead of him talking to himself about losing some hope or light, I think it could be his soul or conscience talking to him. It makes the line 'myself in a corner' seem pretty haunting. His/you/the human person's eye windows are closed, his tears are emptied from the pain that taught him well, now lost in the twenty yard stare. Then the soul ends by saying it regrets giving of itself in trying to save the person, because 'he' was already gone. And now that failure/loss of humanity is tattooed across the soul that's left there in the corner.
ReplyDelete